Will he accept the offer?
When it comes to Supreme Court reform, John Oliver is tired of just talking about term limits and ethics codes. Instead, the late-night talk-show host said he’s taking a page out of the playbook used by the rich and powerful, who the comedian said routinely lavish gifts on public servants to curry favor.
“If we’re going to keep the bar of accountability this low, perhaps it’s time to exploit that low bar the same way billionaires have successfully done for decades,” Oliver said on Sunday’s episode of HBO’s “Last Week Tonight,” before announcing the offer he had for Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas: $1 million per year if he steps down from his post immediately.
Oliver is also throwing in a new $2.4 million motor coach that’s outfitted with a king-size bed, four televisions and a fireplace — a potential deal-sweetener for Thomas, who has come under fire for receiving significant gifts and favors from a network of wealthy friends and patrons.
--Washington Post, February 19, 2024
Now we’re getting down to cases, as Skip Caray, the legendary announcer for the Atlanta Braves used to say, when it was late in the game and choices were few and ugly.
I think to examine this fully, we need to go inside Mr. Justice Thomas’ head—where Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson has been living rent-free for the entire term:
I can’t accept this, can I? (Justice Thomas asks himself. And for the record, to indicate how little respect I have for him, this is the last time I will refer to him in such a formal way.) I’d have to quit the Court, and these robes look good on me.
Look, though, like every other offer of tribute, which this assuredly is, I need to think it through.
A million a year is a lot more than I’m making now, and I don’t even have to spend time on this frigging Court to collect it? Sounds too good to be true. What’s the catch?
Who is this Oliver, anyway? Note: have clerk check out who he is, what’s his game, does he know Harlan? Have I met him? Has he been texting Ginni?
What would I be giving up? Well, the sweetest deal in the land: a job for life, boat trips, vacations in the Adirondacks, time with Harlan and the boys? Or would I? They’ve always said that they’d always be my friends, no matter what.
Even if I wasn’t on the Court to bend cases their way? I mean, man, we’re FRIENDS, right? They never said that they were paying for access to the Court.
This thinking, like all thinking, is making me uneasy.
So what would I miss? Not the ass-licking clerks, that’s for sure. They say I’m the most beloved of the justices because I remember everyone’s name, ask about their families, their hobbies, all that shit. Like I still listen to them once they open their ugly white pie-holes.
These clerks, these kids from Harvard and Yale (my alma mater hehe—affirmative action got me in there, and I’m pulling that ladder up now that I’m on the boat!), privileged white kids always sniffing around. Asking about Ginni, for god’s sake.
The next thing you know, we’re going to be hiring some kid named Yamamoto or something, and he’s going to want to bring his dog in here! That’s where we’re headed. We need to keep hiring kids with good American names, like Thomas, Roberts, and Alito.
Dogs, dogs. Yeah, how does Biden get to keep that German shepherd around that bites every Secret Service agent? How does he get away with it? That’s real power all right. I’d like to be escorted by some kind of pitbull, snarling at everyone.
Where was I? Come on, Clare, you got to focus. What would I miss about this place, right?
The food’s pretty good. The female clerks can be hot. But I can’t go sniffin’ after any of that or Ginni's going go get wind of it and have my balls in a vise. Can’t ask who left a pubic hair on my Coke can, like with that Hill woman.
Someone said I had brass balls, taking all of those gifts. You got that right. I got more balls than anyone else up here. Not Gorsuch, whiny little bastard, with his little boy balls, always saying, now this case is easy, isn’t it, then looking around like he’s pleading. No, asshole, that’s why the case is here, WE get the hard ones.
And Kegs Kavanaugh, always trying to get people to like him. And Roberts, no balls at all. His last year-end letter wandering around about AI and not even asking for our raises. Jesus.
Those fucking libtard women, Kagan and Sotomayor, they got more balls than those white boys. Alito acts like he got balls, but he’s always crying about that girl in junior high school who wouldn’t talk to him. No, I ain’t missing anybody up here.
I do get to go after all of the stuff that’s unAmerican, like abortion. Next I’m going after same-sex marriage and then the big one, birth control. Hahaha.
Opinions: I will miss writing for the majority and even more, dissents! They really don’t matter, so I can say what I want. Now that’s owning the libtards.
Scalia used to like writing dissents, too, and he was usually doing that since he was always wrong. He only went to Harvard, didn’t even go to Yale. He should have stayed at Jones Day and spent his life scuffling around like a little squirrel, billing hours.
Focus Clare, focus! Follow the money! OK, right, a million a year.
What’s the downside? Everyone thinks I’m corrupt as it is just because Harlan gives me a ride on a yacht. What’s the big issue? He doesn’t have many cases before me anyway, not that you can track. All those LLC’s, who can follow it?
Now look at the upside: a million a year and a hot ride! That’s pretty hard to turn down. (Have a clerk check: is this Oliver dude good for it?)
And that ride Oliver’s offering. I can ride around and park in Walmart parking lots and grin at everyone like the common man that I am.
The more I think of it, the more I like it. But I gotta think of a way to get rid of Ginni. She’s Ok in small doses, but in an RV, yacking on mile after mile about how she told Meadows to steal the election? She’s gonna get me in trouble someday. Maybe I could forget her at a rest stop.
Then I could drive on alone, a lone cowboy persevering through the lonely miles. I wonder if cute girls still thumb rides. And then I can get out and shake everyone’s hand and they’ll just love me. Then I’ll drive off to the next town and do it all over again.
The articles! “Thomas The Pride of the Common Man.” “Thomas: ‘All I Want is to Connect with My People.’” I could even take a grill and set it up and sizzle people some steaks. Imagine walking through Walmart with a pile of steaks in my carts, shaking hands with everyone. What a great man, a man of the men!
And if I’m off the Court, I don’t have to pay attention to Harlan and Leonard when they’re banging on about something I neither care about nor, frankly, understand. Like antitrust. Like, if there’s a merger that makes one of my friends a lot more profitable, isn’t that a good thing? Harlan and Leonard think so, but some people don’t? How does that even work? Just tell me how to vote, I tell them. Really, they exhaust me.
Will Harlan and Leonard still think I’m important? Here’s the issue: will they still be my friends and give me vacations and money?
But with $1 million a year, I can buy my own vacations. I don’t need those white boys always asking for favors.
Gotta ask, is this Oliver guy good for it? He’s English, right, not even an American? What if he’s lying? Then I’ll have HIS balls in a vise, that’s one thing. Clarence Thomas keeps to his deals, and so should John Oliver.
Not gonna lie, gonna miss Harlan's yacht.
But you know, Clare, driving around like that, shaking hands, grinning at everyone, I could get damn popular. People wanting to see more of me.
I know what you’re thinking: America’s first black president! Someone else did that a long time ago, was a Supreme Court justice and then president. Teddy Roosevelt maybe or Woodrow Wilson. I could do that, I could. Mr. Justice President Justice Clarence Thomas. Has a ring to it.
I like this more and more. If I can just find a way to dump Ginni.
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